Thursday, January 05, 2012

To the only man I have ever loved

Dearest Moses,

I celebrate your life today, all too brief but still as warm and as inspiring to me as I think of the life we once shared. Death was never meant to be gotten over but a prodding reminder that life is a gift from God. Fifteen years ago, you left rather unceremoniously. You had very little say in staying. I had no say about letting you go, but today I have something to say on this 5th of January 2012.

After all these years, when I think of your name, it's inevitable your laughter and the way your eyes linger over my face penetrate the fog of my memories. When I recall a particularly wonderful holiday, it was because you were holding my hand, or linking pinkies because your palms were often sweaty. If I had a sumptuous meal in any restaurant today, I would still compare it to The Nadaman in Shangri-La just because you had impressed me with a $100 meal eating oblong nibbles of sashimi, sipping thimblefuls of sake, and breathing expensive and rarefied atmosphere. I still kept the menu. Don't get me wrong, I haven't hermitted myself in a cave nor ceased to laugh raucously and ungirlishly in the company of friends since you left. I know that wouldn't have been how you wanted me to live. I guess I'm confessing in a way how very full you've made my life in the five short years we were married because I still feel connected to you in a way that defies explanation.

Wood is what married couples give to each other when they reach their 5th year wedding anniversary. Your wood had lasted me to the gift of china- which is a gift to celebrate 20 years. You are still a gift I thank God for. You wouldn't have thought that of yourself when you were alive that I was storing up every good gift you were giving me for these years of widowhood. You know you did that when you chose to write all those saccharine love letters to me during courtship and after marriage? I'm a sucker for romance and how quickly you had seen right through my steely facade and verbose exterior. I have reread your many concise letters and I've decided to write an article to encourage the art of writing letters as a memorial and testament to the endurance of your love. Love, when it is honestly expressed, truly lasts. For that, I thank you.

I will celebrate your life by purchasing a nice set of china to sip my Earl Gray from. A good man is not hard to find, but a man who had committed his life to love his God, wife and family extravagantly? You stand pitifully alone. I've learned so much about the power of leaving love notes that I left one this morning in Myron's lunch bag. I hope he understands that I love him justifiably with the love of two parents.


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